Inexplicable
by ale-la-pazza1
Summary: Little one shot about the grief Kate experience after she left the island  Jate implied .


I wrote this little one shot for Liesbeth's birthday, I hope you really like this babe, I love you *hug*

Leave me a comment, I'm a sucker for those! ;)

* * *

Inexplicable

Grief is inexplicable; it's a dangerous combination of physical pain and emotional drain; it hurts to just even think about it.

It's one of the worst feelings in the world and Kate has to experience it. Ever since she left Jack on the island, knowing that was the last time she'd ever see him, grief has taken the best of her.

It drives her in all her actions. It reminds her that all that has ever happened with Jack was real. It keeps her alive.

* * *

As soon as she lands on LA X her chest tightens, her insides are messy and her eyes are wet. She's back but she's not home.

Ever since she has accepted the idea that Jack died, everything lost its focus. It's all blurred.

She is barely aware that the press wants to talk to her. She couldn't care less. She's even less aware that Claire's mother is picking them up and bringing them to Aaron.

As soon as the boy sees her, he screams "_Mummy!_". She kneels to pick him up, not really seeing Aaron. Looking at him is like looking at the ghost of her previous life, the one she shared with Jack, the only life she has ever wanted.

She puts him on the ground and she tries to explain to him that she's not his mummy, that Claire is but she's still gonna be with him. Aaron is confused. Too much information for a 3 years old boy. But he quickly changes the subject by asking her, "_Where's uncle Jack?_"

She should have seen this coming. He always asks about Jack, only this time really hurts because Jack is really gone. There's no hoping that he'd change his mind and come back to live with them.

Tears stream down her face. She tries to say the words but she physically can't. Claire comes in and she explains to him, in her own way, that uncle Jack is away and he won't come back any time soon.

Or ever. But neither of them tells Aaron this.

* * *

She fears the moment she has to come home. Because it's gonna be painful. It's gonna be like a slap in the face, always there to remind her what she had, what she lost and what could have been.

She opens the front door and she can't even manage to walk through it. She collapses on the floor. Her legs don't cooperate, they've decided to let her sink in her own desperation a little deeper.

She doesn't even bother trying to get up or to stop crying; she doesn't even remember when she began crying, but it doesn't matter, she's always crying now.

After what felt like hours, she finds the strength to get up, she needs to collect a few things and she needs to get out of here; he's everywhere she turns to.

She heads for the kitchen to get a glass of water and all she sees is Jack pouring them a glass of wine. She tries to shut her eyes but it's useless. It's marked on her mind, like a tattoo.

She makes a quick stop in the bathroom to get her toothbrush but Jack is there too, wrapping a towel around her after she has finished her morning shower. She is no longer fighting the flashes, she craves for them. Just to see him once again, one more time.

She stops by Aaron's room to pick a few clothes and there it is: Jack reading to Aaron. It's one of her favorite memories of Jack.

She feels the familiar sensation of her chest tightening and her heart exploding. That's one of the things she regrets the most: missing the chance to see Jack being a father to their kids, kids she'll never have now.

She tries to compose herself but it's useless. Even wandering around the hall makes her see Jack. He's telling her about his dad and about how glad he is to be there with her. She can't watch, it hurts too much.

Tears are blocking her view but she knows the exact way to get to what she's looking for; under layers of his underwear lays a little black velvet box. She is trembling but she opens it anyway.

She gets her engagement ring, puts it through a necklace and she puts it around her neck. The ring touches exactly the piece of skin that covers her heart.

The ring is exactly where it is supposed to be, next to her heart.

She turns around to look at their bedroom for the last time, and her eyes falls to the bed. Her insides are all fuzzy because she sees Jack once more. He's making love to her right after the proposal. That was the best time.

She can't watch it without thinking that she'll never have that feeling again. The feeling of him, of his love, his scent, his touches, his voice.

This is too much, even for her. She does what she has always done before Jack... she runs.

And she decides she has to sell this house. She has to let go of something that can only hurt her.

* * *

She knows where she needs to go, there's only one place. His apartment. It's perfect. It's Jack's but it's not too them, what they had, what they were.

She helps herself in, trying to shut out her brain and the memories of the last time she has been here... of what they did, of what they said.

She goes directly into the bathroom. She pulls it out of her purse and simply stares at it.

The pregnancy test she has bought as soon as she stepped out of the house. She is scared to take it. She doesn't want to do it alone but the only person who should be here can't be here.

She gently pulls it out of the pocket and she tries not to freak out when she pees on it. Then she puts it next to the sink and she waits.

She tries to imagine both scenarios. If she is pregnant, she'll always have a tiny piece of Jack forever but she will also have to raise the baby on her own, without Jack. If she's not pregnant then she'll be on her own forever but she won't have to raise a fatherless baby.

When the time is up, she is scared to pick up the stick and look. She just can't do it. Someone else will have to do it for her. But who? Nobody can relate, nobody can understand. Except Sawyer. But she can't involve him in this.

She gotta suck it up and do it herself. She takes a deep breath, she closes her eyes and she finally picks up the stick.

Pregnant.

She reaches for her engagement ring, she kisses it and mouths "_Thank you_".

* * *

Grief is inexplicable; it's a dangerous combination of physical pain and emotional drain; it hurts to just even think about it.

It's one of the worst feelings in the world and Kate has to experience it. But she will also get to experience joy, relief and love. Again.


End file.
